The Untraditionalists

Like most, my twenties were all about exploring who I was and where in the world I belonged. It was a decade of relocating, trying on value systems, deconstructing and reconstructing many times over. When I arrived at the end, I looked back and saw my three brothers (we're all about two years apart - I'm third of the four) had finished seven academic degrees between them, married, started families, and established careers. I had two degrees tied to a faith that I no longer identified with, was single with no prospects, and working in a context that made me feel overwhelmed, alienated and frustrated too much of the time.

R and I stepped from a professional to a personal relationship the week of my 30th birthday. I was dating a lot that year - perhaps a part of all that deconstructing and reconstructing. I was trying to be brave, be open, be curious. It had mostly left me feeling exhausted, disappointed and heartbroken. The thing is, I wanted a partner, a family and a meaningful career - but I didn't want vanilla. I wanted something more complex, surprising and exhilarating. I was on a date with someone who was interesting and generous, but not partner material, when I got a picture message from R.

An unusual and freakishly strong snow storm was blowing through our city that night causing my date and I to opt for pizza and a movie at his place instead of risking the journey to our reservation at a high end restaurant on the river. I had just returned from a trip home for Christmas that was tangled up in many personal and familial relationship challenges. My birthday was on New Year's Eve and a marker hovering as background noise through most of it. R's message was a photo of wine glasses and his fireplace asking "Where are you snowed in?" I received it as an invitation at a crossroad - to veer in a different direction. I told my date that I needed to get going and met R for a beer that turned into a first kiss that turned into a marriage.

Some would call our twenty year age difference a "May-December Romance" - I call it an untraditional pathway on my choose-your-own-adventure life. As R and I began exploring the possibility of life-long partnership we had to talk about things like expectations and desires around kids. R had been divorced for 5 years when we met and had two near-grown daughters from that relationship. Some years ago, he had a vasectomy never thinking his marriage wouldn't work out or that he may someday love a younger woman who wanted him to consider a round two. We landed at a place that seemed like our "least common denominator." We would intentionally invest in the kids that came across our path - nieces, nephews, neighbors, kids of friends - and we would consider foster care and adoption in the future if the time was right.

Five years into our marriage, the time has never felt right, hence the reluctant yes. We both knew these were the right kids and the right situation. Now our work is to trust that love and resolve, community and grace, will fill the gap.